i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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