Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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