its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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