I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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