A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
