i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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