I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
