I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
