i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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