i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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