Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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