My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
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