Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
