There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
