if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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