last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
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