if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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