Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I love you. Go after that dick
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
