I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
