if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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