I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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