my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
