Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
