So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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