I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
