She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
