best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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