a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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