I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
