I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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