drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
