Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
