**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
