My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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