she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
