Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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