So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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