i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
