I'm really into asian looking animals
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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