I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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