My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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