i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
