I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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