I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
