We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
You're a waste of cheezeits
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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