if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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