Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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