I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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