How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
