he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
