I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
