im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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