Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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