literally had 100 drinks last night.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
