I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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