So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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