I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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