shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
