Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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