who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
