and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
