I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Dignity is for republicans.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Randomize
