Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
