she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
