what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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