At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
