Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Maybe he injected his testicle?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
