I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
