I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize